Bangkok, Thailand

After a heartbreaking airport goodbye with my parents and zero sleep, I strapped on my compression socks and time traveled 13 hours into the future.

The day one travel menu included:

• One 15-hour flight (in row 70 out of 74)
• One 5-hour flight (where I was complimented for my ‘very impressive sleeping ability’) and
• Pork, rice, and blueberry juice

Not that I slept for long periods………. more that my sleeping positions looked incredibly uncomfortable and she was fascinated how I could sleep at all that my neck wasn’t broken.  Must make note to buy neck pillow (and while I’m at it, look into vegetarian meal options – the seasoned travelers might be on to something).  I ended up making friends with a 2^nd grade teacher who’s stationed in Myanmar with her boyfriend…….and Sam and I RAN through the Shanghai Airport together, to make our connection 5 minutes before the door closed.

(Technically, I lost her in the Shanghai security line when I broke two nails frantically looking for whatever electronic was coming up on the security screen, but I won’t hold that against her.)

I arrived at the Suvarnabhumi Airport in Bangkok around 1am, and after discovering that my checked bag made it (surprise treat!), getting a taxi was my first official test.  I thought I was soooooo slick with my little cheat sheet of every important Bangkok address but, like a DUMMY, I had written the addresses in English.  (Face palm to the head.)  My only saving grace was giving the taxi driver my hostel’s phone number, so he could call them for directions.

At 2:15am exactly, the taxi driver stopped the car and motioned me to THIS alley.

‘just down alley’  ‘excuse me, what?’

The look on my face must have been PRET-TY pathetic because he hopped out of the taxi and graciouslyyyyyy walked me allllll the way (down three winding alleys) to my hostel.  (And after paying him 600% over what I should have paid him for the 30min ride, thank you for doing the right thing.)

I couldn’t sleep; I was too excited.  I BOUNDED out of my single room at 7 in the morning and paused 0.2 seconds before asking an Aussie, named Sarah, if I could join her for the deLICious, free hostel breakfast.  Luckily for the two of US, we were invited by the owner of the hostel to participate in the morning monk offering (placing food & drink into a monk’s bowl in exchange for a chant wishing us good fortune) even though both of us were braless.

I had only 36 HOURS IN BANGKOK to hit it and quit it.  Amulet Market!  Pratunam Market!  Chatuchak Market!  Flower Market!  ALL OF THE MARKETS!  Stray cats.  Stray dogs.  Smells wafting in and out, motorbikes barely missing pedestrians, hot soup being ladled into baggies, pots of God knows what stewing in the hot sun.  My elbow was half an inch away from hitting at least 28 moving vehicles; it was all very exciting.

Highlight of the morning was Wat Pho (the Temple of the Reclining Buddha) and believe you me, that Buddha was chilling OUT and ready to enter Nirvana.  Besides that big ‘ole 46-meter-long Buddha and more than 1,000 OTHER Buddhas (the largest collection of Buddha images in Thailand), the Wat Pho temple complex houses a traditional Thai massage school.

Does anything sound better (after 20+ hours of travel) than a full-body Thai massage from the birthplace of traditional Thai massage?  One Thai massage, please.

$20 later I was changing into my dark purple, size 54 palazzo pants with no drawstring…….and a peasant top.  My lovely Thai masseuse ushered me into a WWII army barracks medical tent, with cots lined up 3×3, and I settled in for the best massage of my life.

You know when you lose track of your own body?  When you think to yourself, ‘where’s my left hand?’ and you try your best to find it?  At one point, with my eyes closed, I reached down and gently touched my right leg.  No doubt confused, my masseuse ALSO reached down and touched my right leg.  We had a nice little giggle as I tried to mime that, ‘no, I simply misplaced it – please keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing’.  And guys………she was doing WORK.  She was over there, then over there, then up there, next to me, in front of me, on top of me.  At one point, she wrapped her body in my legs like a pretzel and started massaging my inner thigh with her feet.  It. Was. Amazing.

How good did I feel walking outta that place with mulberry tea drink in hand?  Like a million freakin’ bucks.  I floated around the rest of Wat Pho, past the Giant Swing, and took my first death-defying motorbike taxi to the Pratunam Market for lunch.  Since I was the only English-speaking person in the food court, I scouted the dish that looked the tastiest, stood in that vendor’s line, and then waited for someone in front of me to order it so I could point to it like a buffoon.  I DID happen to catch the vendor say ‘spicy’, and my eyes LIT UP at the English recognition.  Lesson learned: don’t flash an over-the-top smile when you hear someone say ‘spicy’.  Average Asian spice level is good enough; you don’t need to be wiping your own tears at lunch.

After I wolfed down a mystery bowl of oddly-shaped, beige-colored seafood nuggets, cellophane noodles, hot dog slices, and what I think was straight-up cartilage……… it was time to hit the road once again, in search of the infamous Shrine to the Chinese Goddess Chao Mae Tubtim (aka the Garden of Dicks).  Found on an ‘unusual things to do in Bangkok’ list, the shrine to shape shifters, swizzle sticks, and all things schlong can be found on the grounds of the Nai Lert Hotel.  You have to walk PAST armed security guards (who make you explain your exact business on the grounds) before you can pay tribute to the female fertility goddess and the many phallic offerings that adorn her.

According to other bloggers and travel nuts, the Spurt Reynolds shrine isn’t what it used to be (what with most of the wooden offerings being accidentally buried in the latest hotel renovation) ……. but honestly, seeing one dick in a headdress, let alone THREE, was well worth the price of admission (free).

obligatory dick pics

Speaking of dicks, I treated myself to a ladyboy cabaret on my one night in Bangkok and it could NOT have been better.  A super kitschy Vegas revue with Broadway smash hits and Thai classical dance, performed by the premier transgender performers in all of Thailand?  Was this show made just for me?!?  Full disclosure: The Calypso Cabaret is the only fun activity I booked in advance for the first four months of my trip.  Third row, center.  Probably creeping out the performers with how hard I was smiling….

I mean how can you not with an entire stage of sequined beauties lip syncing (or saying the Thai equivalent of ‘watermelon’) to Elvis, Sinatra, and En Vogue?  I was on such a high that I couldn’t possibly go back to my hostel right away, so I treated myself to some midnight pad thai at THE place to get midnight pad thai.  Line around the block.  Only serving one thing.  All locals except for me and a night food tour.  Put Thip Samai on your international food list and order the $3 pad thai w/prawns, wrapped in egg.  Oh, and treat yourself to an icy coconut juice slushie – it’ll help relax your face after all that smiling.

i’m in HEAVEN

Wrapping up my brief Bangkok bustle, I popped to the Chatuchak Weekend Market (where you can buy anything from boho chic fashion to tchotchkes to a bag with two cartoon bears that reads, ‘I taste good, doesn’t it?’) on Saturday morning, in my first ever tuk tuk ride.  If you’ve never ridden a tuk tuk, it’s like a covered motorcycle attached to a flatbed with tiny couch and canopy.  Personally, from my vast one-day experience, I like motorbike taxis better because:

1. There isn’t a low-hanging canopy obstructing your view of passing landmarks and
2. There IS an added element of absolute MAYHEM

Motorbikes in Thailand don’t seem to follow any rules of the road.  They drive in-between lanes, in the WRONG lanes, on sidewalks, down one-lane pedestrian walkways, and the whole time YOU’RE ON THE BACK.  Eyes wide.  Stomach clenched.  Wanting to protest but not daring the possible distraction to your driver.  HE NEEDS ALL THE CONCENTRATION HE CAN GET.

All in all, the first 36 hours was a raging success.  I said goodbye to Bangkok and flew to Koh Phangan this past Saturday to start my one-month spiritual awakening & healing retreat……… but that’s a story for another day.