April 10, 2019

Back to the Source

Cunha, Brazil

Where were we?

Ah, yes. I was right in the middle of telling you what a steaming-hot pile of confusion I was… and how I needed to get lost in order to find out what went wrong. ‘Started from the bottom, now we’re hee-actually still at the bottom so send help.’

Back home, with everything at my fingertips and every creature comfort known to man, I lost myself. And my joy. And my sense of wonder and daily gratitude and and and everything that kept me balanced and stable and sane.

no, it was more intense than that

that’s better

I needed a safe space to figure things out. So, I booked a one-way ticket to a country with over 60k annual homicides. Oh, and a cooperative spiritual community called Source Temple where individuals are encouraged (and nurtured) in the development of intimacy, trust, real love, and compassion.

Wanting to start over and rediscover myself at a base level, I was ready to strip everything away, let my hair down (proverbially, of course), and go balls deep into a search for…… my ultimate Truth? My true nature? God? Divine power? Reality itself? The indivisible space of conscious light? I don’t know; who the heck knows.

We’re all searching for something and nobody knows what the f*ck they’re doing, amiright?

For me, it’s coming face-to-face with the me I might not have met yet (like the opening scene in Big Business), reclaiming that inner stillness that vanished with the wind (damn you, Windy City) and getting to the root of my issues (plural) so that I could, once again, be swept away by beauty and love. Is that so much to ask?

Apologies in advance for breaking one of the cardinal rules of polite conversation (no politics, no religion, no ball sweat – shit, I broke 2) but I simply can’t discuss anything that’s happening in my life right now without taking you through my spiritual journey.

surprise! the real me is arnold schwarzenegger!

After a 3.5-day romp in Rio, a 4-hour bus, and a 1-hour taxi, I checked myself into the Source Temple Sanctuary, open to whatever was coming. Knowing (from last year) that I thrive in a community setting, I figured what better place to reopen my heart, release what I think I am, and relearn to be in the moment.

Intentional communities exist all over the world (serving different purposes and catering to different belief systems) but if I can CATEGORIZE them, based on my limited experience, I’d say that they’re groups of people who’ve liberated themselves from the status quo, in order to live in a way that makes more sense to them. Committed to open & honest communication, a culture of sharing, and a baseline of ‘love in action’ (through karma yoga practices), they offer a tangible, group support system and hope, for a better world.

Source Temple is no exception. It’s an entire community living in the light. Operating on a higher frequency. Bringing the ‘spiritual’ into everyday life and striving to gain a ‘full awareness of love’s presence’. By integrating teachings from various gurus (including a super-buff Willie Nelson lookalike) and A Course in Miracles (written by Helen Schucman in 1976), they believe that spiritual transformation can be attained through self-transcendence.

Facing the pain that lives inside us with the light of our own consciousness.

Getting out of our own way to see what’s been in front of us this whole time.

Forming deeper relationships, with others and with God, by transcending our egos.

Now…… did I know any of this before I got here? No. (lol) I picked it cuz every single review mentioned the word ‘love’. I didn’t know about any of the gurus or that A Course in Miracles was rooted in Christianity or that Helen (its author) claims she was merely a conduit for the voice of Jesus. I wasn’t expecting so much discourse on God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit and I sure wasn’t expecting how much this place would affect me.

OK, so, before you ask or before your brain explodes, NO. No one in this community tried to push anything on me or pressure me to ‘convert’ or something. The residents were simply available if I had questions and open to sharing if I wanted to learn. Which worked out perfectly because while my faith can’t be swayed easily, I’m always open to new ways of connecting with Him, celebrating Him, and knowing Him.

i imagine this table is where we’d connect

Living in the ashram, for four weeks, was like living in a force field of healing energy. To be surrounded by that many intensely conscious people served only to accelerate my own healing. And boooooooy, did I need some healing. Week one, I was still very much a mess. In my head, constantly thinking about how uncomfortable and closed off I felt…… dreading entering common spaces cuz I either wouldn’t be able to follow conversation, or no one would acknowledge I existed…… alone in rooms full of people…… disconnected to the point of watching everyone bond without me.

The language barrier didn’t help, but it also wasn’t the full story. (Come to think of it, sleeping in a hut – aptly named ‘Tolerance’ – across from the compost toilets with a broken bed frame, a leak in the ceiling, and a crack in the wall large enough for 30-50 mosquitos to hold hands & waltz right through ALSO didn’t help.)

I felt separate. And I hated it. I judged myself for having these feelings and for falling so far from last year’s cloud nine, but I refused to fake anything. Resolving, instead, to wait it out until something felt right. Which was hard. Simultaneously trying to overcome the fear that other volunteers would think I was cold, while being mind-f*cked in an all-too-familiar torrent of existential playback.

Who am I if not the image I construct with my mind? Who am I if not a compilation of where I’ve been, what I’ve done and who I’ve shared it with? Who am I UNDERNEATH everything I thought made me me – my thoughts, feelings, perspective, personality, experiences, resume? Who am I without comedy?

If time is an illusion and I cease to exist outside of right now, does that mean that nothing I’ve done and nothing I thought I was MATTERS? If the past and future don’t exist, what if I want to spend the present moment watching The Birdcage on Netflix? Am I betraying myself? Am I robbing myself of the life that’s all around me? That doesn’t make me wanna watch The Birdcage any less……

And while we’re asking questions, WHO is that Indian man that keeps tagging me in all his photos? Please take a timeout RIGHT NOW and go to the tagged pictures section of my Instagram account (@shegone.girl). I can’t stop laughing. Anywho…

Week one ended with two important life events and my first lesson learned in this community.

Event 1: ayahuasca ceremony

For those who haven’t watched Chelsea Handler’s ‘Chelsea Does… Drugs’ episode, ayahuasca is a sacred, plant-based medicine, used among indigenous tribes in South America, that connects us with our inner teacher, the sacred within. Also called the ‘grandmother’ or ‘truth’ vine, this brew (made from the stem of one plant and the leaves of another) is believed to be a gateway to the spiritual world.

With DMT as its active ingredient, it’s known for inducing powerful, hallucinogenic visions and life-changing insights which would have been amazing if I didn’t meditate right through the second & third doses. Oops.

There’s good news and bad news. Bad news: zero whacked out visions to report. Good news: I slipped into such a deep, meditative state that my mind lit’trally shut off. For hours. And coming from someone who’s been locked in a loop of incessant thinking & mental noise…… the pure bliss of a silent mind was everything I could have hoped for.

Event 2: heart therapy

A regular offering on campus, the aim of Heart Therapy is to connect to others not through the mind, but through the depths of your heart which, let’s face it, sounds a little hokey but, guys. Throughout the meditation, the energy of the entire room changed. It was PALPABLE. I felt each person’s heart. And then I felt my own heart become stronger with the connection.

At one point, after the teacher asked us to ask our hearts if they wanted to connect to the heart of a partner…… my heart was leaping out of my chest to connect with Elena (the Russian mother of 2). At that very moment, out of nowhere, Elena’s 2-year-old daughter, Luna, flung herself into my arms (for the first time in 6 days) and stayed there, cuddling into me, for the rest of the exercise. It was too strange not to be a coincidence. Heart therapy, man…

i didn’t think this would come up but… i’m thankful luna’s a 2-year-old girl and not a bear

With a newly-silenced mind, I had a breakthrough towards the end of that heart practice. Something inside me changed. A lightbulb went off. Which brings us to my first lesson learned (out of a 10-part series).

Lesson #1: I Am Not Separate

Feeling so cosmically connected to every heart in that room…… feeling like one part of the larger whole…… the ah ha moment, for me, was that there was no separation. We WERE one. I was able to forgive myself for all the negative thoughts of separation I’d been feeling all week & sink into the connectedness. I still feel it, weeks later.

Who knew that ‘universal truths’ have different entry points in comprehension!? That life lessons, we’ve all heard a million times, can be connected to in different ways, in different contexts, or at different points in our lives? For example, the phrase, ‘We are one.’ If you say to me (super slowly & dramatically), ‘Taylor, we are one’, I immediately think UNICEF. Michael Jackson. One ring to rule them all. FIFA World Cup. That phrase doesn’t mean anything to me.

But, if you say, ‘Taylor, you are not alone, and can never BE alone, because you are not separate.’ pfffffffwaaaaaaa – omg I get it. We are one. At every moment and in every way. That phrase moved me to tears for, like, a week.

And herein lies the beginning of a waterfall of personal breakthroughs at Source Temple. Breakthroughs that came about with almost no ‘new’ information. Just a remembrance of truths long forgotten and a reinterpretation, so that those ideas worked for ME. Moved ME. Became a part of me.

Suddenly, I didn’t know things to be true…… I felt them to be true. If that makes sense.

Week two was a breath of fresh air.

Out of my head and into a new room called ‘Patience’ (with a great view of the lake), I learned to start trusting myself again. Trusting that I’m in the right place. That whatever I choose, in every moment, is exactly the right thing.

Lesson #2: Everything I Need is Already Inside of Me

Somewhere along the way, I forgot. I forgot that we are the light; we are love; we are whole; and we have all the answers already. That we are connected to the source of everything. That problems and questions only arise when we forget consciousness. When we look out instead of looking in.

One of the gurus at Source Temple talks about the absurdity of worldly life: seeking that which is already the case. Seeking outside yourself for answers you’ll never find…… because to seek, you must leave the place you are to find it.

There is nothing to do. Nothing to say. Nothing to be. There is only trusting in the knowledge that you are, already, a perfect creation worthy of love. And relaxing into the present moment because

Lesson #3: The Present Moment is All There Is

As an action-oriented person, I fully appreciate that the present moment is all that exists because it’s the only time we can affect change. It’s the only time we can DO something. Change something. Be someone. Love someone.

And not in a carpe diem ‘Seize the day!’, ‘Live life to the fullest!’ type of way. I’ve never resonated with those popular sayings cuz LIVING. EACH. DAY. LIKE. IT’S. YOUR. LAST. sounds f*cking exhausting. And, frankly, unsustainable. When am I supposed to do laundry? Should I throw away the chicken I just defrosted? It’s 11pm…… can I go to bed now?

I don’t like those mottos because they seem to imply that you’re failing at life if you don’t have some grand adventure every day. I don’t want the pressure of having to be on the go go go all the time – doing something, building something, striving towards something. Instead, I want the power to treat every moment as an opportunity for pause, for reflection, for surrender, for forgiveness. I want to have the time and space to breathe.

To be fully aware of where I actually am. To embrace a peace from within, telling me that everything is as it should be and everything that’s coming will be a blessing. To ask myself, regularly, what it is I want in this moment…… and to accept whatever comes up without judgment.

It’s the elimination of FOMO as we know it.

And now, for the final lesson of the day…

Lesson #4: I Know What I Want

It only took me 2 weeks of living in Source Temple to pinpoint exactly what I want out of life.

What I want above all else.

It’s two things, actually. You ready?

Number one, I want to be free from contraction. I want to make it part of my daily practice to react, not with fear or shame, but with love. To not clam up if I feel uncomfortable. To not hide myself for fear of what others might think. To release my imperfections and concerns, and free my body & mind from all tension.

All the ‘what will she think’ and ‘what will he say’ and ‘what did I do wrong’ and ‘what should I wear – I have NOTHING to wear’ will melt away, and I won’t ~~violently flinch every time someone mentions I have food on my face~~ contract when something bad, or unexpected, happens.

I don’t want the energy I project when I’m frustrated or annoyed or embarrassed or ashamed to pollute those around me.

Number two, I want to center my interactions around forgiveness. To look at others, not through the lens of past mistakes or apparent flaws…… but to look straight to their spirit instead. That’s one of the beautiful teachings I’ll take away from Source Temple. That by choosing to FORGIVE past grievances, we have (in every interaction) the opportunity to save the world.

Think about how much past trauma we bring into each encounter. All that scar tissue we dredge up every time we see someone…… basically ensuring that that person stays frozen in a perpetrator / villain / pain-inflictor role. What if we released all those thoughts (and feelings attached to them) and looked at each other with fresh eyes? What then?

Think of how amazing all our relationships can be going forward. We’d be lightweight. We’d be free.

xoxo,

p.s. stay tuned, next Wednesday, for Source Temple Part 2. where i’ll detail a proper day-in-the-life account on campus and break down the final 6 lessons learned during weeks 3 & 4.

p.p.s. i love you.