Back to the Source: Part II

Cunha, Brazil

Settling into life at the ashram, weeks 3 and 4, was nothing but blue skies and happy days.

A new batch of volunteers arrived and with them, an instant family.  Connections so fast and strong that it felt like we’d been living together for years.  Years of sharing the same space, cuddling in classic dogpile or weaved pie crust formations, using each other’s asses as pillows, living on top of each other and loving every minute of it.  (FYI – Aurora’s ass is SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE THAN A PILLOW.)

left to right: mateu, me, aurora, kenza, and lucas

walking to the barrrr for beer (& cheese sammies) on tom’s bday

taking in the scenery. candid camera style.

tuesday.

Daily life was deliciously simple…… starting around 6:45a, when I’d slap on some yoga pants and hunt for that bloody cricket that was SO loud last night, it sounded like he was in my ah HA!  There you are.  How’d you get under my mattress and nestled in my bed frame, mister?

After an hour of yoga, all 8 volunteers would meet back in the volunteer house for long, drawn-out hugs and a big, family breakfast.  I’d get to work carving up mangoes and bananas; Kenza cooked the porridge; Andre made the coffee; Mateu made scrambled eggs with tomatoes, onions, and herbs; Tom toasted the bread; Lucas made ginger tea; Gui got out the 3 different marmalades he basically meditated out of his body yesterday; and Aurora sat the table.

story of my life: someone clutches me as i clutch bread

By 8:15a, we’d get our work assignments for the day (painting, cleaning, cooking, planting, harvesting, weeding, raking, or carpentry) and by 8:30a, we’d get to work.  My first 2 weeks, I bounced all over the place – planting beet root and radish and lettuce and radicchio, harvesting pumpkin and sweet potato greens, stepping barefoot in pilessss of pepper ants (pepper cuz they’re so spicy), and cleaning houses and raking fields…… but I didn’t hit my sweet spot until volunteering for Glinda in the kitchen.

Kitchen shifts always flowed a similar way…… and took me on a meditative riiiiide.  We’d start on the front patio, where Glinda would bless the day, each of us and the work to come, then we’d break off and really sink in to whatever task we were doing (with instrumental piano, bossa nova or Brazilian jazz over the speakers).

I’d usually spend the first 2 hours slicing, dicing, & peeling whatever veg we needed for the day (humming church songs I haven’t sung in years, rediscovering the sexiness of vegetables, and enjoying intimate one-on-one convos) until the collective energy would shift into an upbeat, joyful, hip-shaking, head-bobbing, and in my case, full-out dance party.

alice wasn’t even phased

One more team blessing of the food (maybe some rice & beans, rosemary potatoes, veggie burgers made from yesterday’s leftovers, baked eggplant & green peppers with this smashed garlic spread, farofa – a great Brazilian snack made of corn flour, onions and banana – and fresh lettuces from the garden) and we were finally ready to welcome the rest of the 40+ people in the community.  Lunch was served.

simply gorgeous. head to toe.

1-6p was usually a free-for-all to hang out, chill out, find a hammock and a book, hike to the waterfalls (or to the ONE bar within walking distance), join Adan and Lara’s daily calisthenics routine, join Prudence for another round of yoga, or maybe hop in a van headed for town to get some impromptu orthodontics work done.

Funny story… my permanent retainer (that’s sat behind my front teeth for 10 years without incident) broke, one night, while I was eating toast.  Cool.  I had to find an orthodontist, over an hour away, to drill off the remaining brackets and cauterize the ends with a laser beam.  Not that I knew what she was doing cuz she spoke Portuguese and I no speak-a much Portuguese.

FYI – I’m guessing I have 3 months before I turn back into Laurence Fishburne, so I might as well stop flossing now.

just kidding. i don’t floss.

At 6p, I’d try to solve the riddle of WHO kept pooping in the middle of my floor (the orange cat with the smushed face or one of the trio of frogs that liked to slip in my bedroom during the day) before running to the library or the pavilion hall for an evening class offering.  Options included: various meditations, therapeutic healing courses, a 3-hour quiro massage course that covered the back & neck basics, or my favorite – an in-depth analysis of the lesson-of-the-day from A Course in Miracles.

If you remember from last week, A Course in Miracles is that book from 1976 that most of this community studies every day.  Containing 365 lessons, or practical applications designed to ‘awaken us to the truth of our oneness with God and Love’ (according to the ACIM website), it’s meant to ‘blow our minds’, transcendentally, so we can open ourselves up & hopefully see things in a new way.

After attempting to blow my mind with various visualization exercises…… or after trading back & neck massages with Tom for 180 minutes…… it was back to the volunteer house for a big family dinner, a nightly jam session and fun.  No cell phones, no distractions, 2 guitars, 1 bongo, a log fire, a deck of cards, and a digeridoo.

We took turns making arepas, Brazilian chapati, fried cassava, homemade bread with grilled zucchini, olive oil and black pepper (ughhhhh I could eat that every meal)…… and regardless of what leftovers we threw together (rice, beans, grilled veg, this meaty banana eggplant salad, farofa), our fritters always looked exactly like chicken mcnuggets.  Aka. picture perfect shaped like cowboy boots or Mike Wazowski.

i didn’t know chicken mcnuggets worked out…

I’d eventually head back to my bedroom for a 15-minute tv timeout to grab something or do something or text someone and then I’d hear Aurora or Mateu scream, ‘Traayyyyyyvoooooorrrr’ through the wall (WHICH is what one of the residents thinks is my first name and it’s hi-lar-i-ous).  So, I’d pop back to the main room just in time to watch Andre open up his super-fashionable fanny pack ‘a drugs, and pull out some weed for the group.

Since we couldn’t watch the best stoner movie of all time (Netflix’s Catwalk: Tales from the Cat Show Circuit), we’d settle on good ‘ole fashioned conversation…… which became more challenging amusing as the night progressed (with a mix of native Spanish, Portuguese, French, Arabic, and English speakers).  All I know is I brought the HOUSE down with my story of the last time I smoked weed with my sister in California…… when she sidled up to me in her kitchen & asked me, very seriously, ‘Have youuuu…… ever put cheeseburger on a pizza?  Nahhhh, me either.  Me either.’

I had to retell it 5 times and dare I say, it got better each time.

you get it?  no?  let me tell it again.

Whether we were swept away by live Sanskrit songs in the weekly, devotional Puja ceremony, or swept away by the musical stylings of Guns N’ Roses, INXS (or that one weird song about cats- Crazy Cats?  Laser Cats?  I don’t know, it was bizarre) in the Saturday night dance party…… one thing became clear: life in an ashram was NOT what I expected.

It wasn’t heads bent, slow motion, namaste, pious pattys; it was wide eyes, warm smiles, and this little kid energy that penetrated everything.  It was happy and light and FILLING and fun.  It was joy.  And it was uncontrollable giggles.  And it was the best.

Which brings us back to the last few lessons I learned during my 4-week stay at Source Temple.  Let’s start with

Lesson #5: Stop Thinking, Start Feeling

It’s funny it took me over a year to process one of the main teachings from that Spiritual Enlightenment School back in Thailand.  A favorite talking point in the lectures, the founder would always say, ‘If you’re thinking…… you’re not feeling.  And if you’re feeling…… you’re not thinking.  How do you wanna walk through life?  As a thinking person?  Or as a feeling person?’

It took the firsthand experience of ONLY feeling, for an entire year, and then the harsh juxtapose of ONLY thinking for two months.  Cuz, you see, I didn’t understand why 2018 was so magical.  Sure, I traveled around the world and lived out my ultimate fantasies but there was something else at the core that I missed: I gave myself the gift of not worrying about the future, and inadvertently gave myself permission to stop thinking and start feeling.  To focus on what brings me joy and just go along for the ride.

On the flip side, I also didn’t understand what went wrong in Chicago.  But now I know that that insomnia-packed clusterf*ck had to happen for me to grasp the idea that: the more I searched outside myself for answers, the further I was from any kind of clarity.  That all the questions and anxieties and overthinking were themselves the root of my issues and that I’d never find peace if I stayed in my own head.

I needed both pieces of the puzzle in order to connect the dots.  To fully define what it is I had last year, and to understand how to identify it within myself and how to keep it safe going forward.

Cuz that shit can disappear if you don’t

Lesson #6: Practice, Practice, Practice

You know what else got me in trouble?  I FORGOT TO PRACTICE.

Correction: I didn’t know I needed to practice.

I thought all that love & joy & peace I found last year would stay with me forever (without any further effort).  Oh, so these good feelings are a part of me now?  Great!  That was easy.  Wait, where’d they go?

Turns out you can’t take a break from doing all the things that keep you centered.  Go figure.  Yoga, meditation, Sanskrit songs & mantras, live music, nature, reading, writing, cooking, giving, a mostly vegetarian or vegan diet, minimalism, simplicity – I stopped all of it, cold turkey, and I unraveled.  (Not that I’m a vegetarian or vegan- don’t you put me in a box.  And not that I didn’t try a few yoga classes when I was home, but the teacher would not stop chatting about her day the whole time.  Please.  Deborah.  Stop talking about your manicure, hold the space, and allow me to become one with the universe.)

In conclusion, I’ve found that Deborah should shut the f*ck up staying balanced is an ongoing, daily process.  It takes conscious effort to stay present, because I fully appreciate that

Lesson #7: I Am Responsible for What I See & How I React

I’ve always believed that attitude is everything and a change in perspective can work wonders, but I love one of the guru’s teachings that ‘we are the savior of our own world’.  We can choose to love and forgive, to be the light and to see the light in others.  We have the power, in every moment, to decide what we see, and to choose the feelings we experience.

The world isn’t black and white, but it’s not grey either.  It’s infinite shades of infinite colors.  The world looks and means something different to each one of us because we’re interpreting it and judging it and filtering it through our hopes, dreams, fears, and past experiences.  IT’S ALL SUBJECTIVE.  None of us sees the world as it is.

We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are. – Anais Nin

For that reason, I choose to no longer see the separation.  I take responsibility to project positive vibes into the universe, so I can attract the energy I project.  I don’t want to react with anger when, most of the time, that anger won’t solve anything.

I want to be the light, so everyone I see becomes a reflection of that light.

One way to do so is to

Lesson #8: Give All of Yourself, Don’t Hold Back

I’ve never had such powerful workplace experiences until I discovered Karma Yoga.  Karma Yoga is a practice of selfless service where you dedicate yourself to others, using the task at hand to actively express your love.  By taking away all thoughts of yourself (and attachment to the end result), the work itself becomes unbelievably satisfying.  Euphoric, even.  It’s a meditation AND a gift.

It doesn’t matter what it is (I’m assuming you can incorporate karma yoga principles into ANY job), but because you’re giving everything you have (your time, your effort, your fullest attention, your patience, and your love), you’re blessed by naturally-occurring healing.

And the best part?  It doesn’t look like anything special; it just looks like you being yourself.  The more I gave, weeks 3 & 4, the more I got back from the community.  I completely LOST myself while chopping bell peppers one day and one of the residents, named Harmony, walked right up to me with a big smile and kissed me on the forehead.  I said, ‘Oh, are you leaving?’  Her reply, ‘No, I just wanted to kiss you.’

Or how about freaking the eff outtttt (during another work shift in the kitchen) when Grease’s ‘Hand Jive’ came on?  Running around with a spatula, jumping and twisting and twirling and wheezing and slap slap clap clap over over under under bump bump thumb thumb foaming at the mouthhhhh I was laughing so hard?  (And I was the only one dancing.)  All the kitchen ladies had a powwow that afternoon and invited me to be part of the permanent kitchen team.  It was a moment.

Anywho, it’s true you get more when you give more.  And I’m not talking about giving away all your hard-earned money or giving so much that you start to resent the act of giving (or the person or group you’re giving to).  I’m just talking about being yourself.  Giving yourself to others.  Completely.  In everyday life.  Letting yourself shine and then shining that light on others.

Speaking of bell peppers,

Lesson #9: Nothing Tastes as Good as Love Feels

There’s a popular expression that ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’…… but have those people ever tried caramel bread pudding?  Or salmon tartare on crispy rice?  Or a loaded steak burrito with extra guac after a night out?  I don’t know; it’s a close call.

Instead, the way Adi Da Samraj looks at diet speaks to me.  He says that the improvement of one’s health or the satisfaction with one’s appearance is not the goal of a healthy diet; improved health and fitting into your skinny jeans are merely side effects.  The real goal of a healthy diet is to purify your body of toxic accumulations, make yourself an empty vessel, and open yourself up to receive.  Energy, love, grace, divine light, self-realization, it’s all the same.

He calls it the ‘Minimum Optimum Diet’ – having a natural, functional awareness of what you eat, so that your spiritual growth isn’t obstructed.  It takes the obsessive concern and the tyrannical discipline of a ‘perfect diet’ right outta the diet equation.  (And the righteousness or guilt that comes along with fulfilling, or not fulfilling, those self-imposed obligations.)  If you take in more than you can use, you accumulate, slow down your body’s processes, and consequently have less energy to give and receive love. 

YES, ok, that’s still easier said than done cuz, uhh, eating’s my favorite pastime.  But this alternate way of thinking about diet is the first thing that actually might transform the way I eat.  I don’t want food to desensitize me anymore; I want to be full power.

Starting tomorrow, though, cuz I have my eye on this banana cake with brigadeiro frosting…

#dontlookatme

In concluuuuusion, my 4 weeks at Source Temple were 4 of the best weeks of my life.  I arrived upside down and I left inside out. I came with a truckload of questions…… and after 4 weeks, I lit’trally didn’t answer any of them, but somehow feel so gosh darn GOOD.  HAPPY.  JOYFUL.  I have a new lease on life thanks to those beautiful people who opened their doors and allowed me to enter the healing force field they created.

Source Temple gave me gifts that I’ll treasure forever.  They taught me to stop thinking and start feeling.  To be at peace in the present moment.  To see & experience the world in a different way, and to accept what already is. They pulled the inner child back out of my body and they left me feeling like the biggest little kid that ever was.

Thanks to all the residents at Source Temple for everything, including their very generous offer to stay longer…… but it felt right to continue my journey.  I feel fully equipped to tackle the world thanks to you.  I love you all and hope to see you again soon.

a bunch of my favorite residents… gosh they’re cute

And to the volunteers…… there are no words to describe my love for you. Just rest assured that every time I think of you, it feels like my heart might burst right open.  Thanks for the memories, and thanks for the love. None of it would have been the same without you.  Mis amores.

heart emoji

this guy made me laugh every time i looked at him

gui did it all… he passed out watermelon, he played guitar…

nightly jam session

action shot from morning yoga. 1 of these things is not like the others. 2 of these knees don’t play that game.

and finally, my official sendoff on my last day. instead of ‘cheese’ everyone said ‘taylorrrrr’ hahah

the end.

p.s. you might have noticed there were only 9 lessons learned (out of a 10-part series).  WELL, after i started writing, i realized #10 wasn’t so much a lesson learned as it was a life-changing insight from my second hallucinogenic plant-based medicine ceremony.  sooooo, let’s save that for next time.  xoxo