Hong Kong, China

Who guessed that I’d miss my flight from Koh Samui to Hong Kong??  You, Madame, would be correct.

After successfully waking up without an alarm around 5am, hugging Lea the Warrior Princess one last time (as she called me her ‘little sister’ and I played it cool even though I was screaming ‘THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING!!@$%’ on the inside), power-walking 30 minutes home with my blanket, pillow and yoga mat, packing, showering, and catching my cab to the ferry……..I was feeling PRE-tty good about myself.

Then, through NO FAULT OF MY OWN (or maybe I took the wrong ferry), my ferry took OVER TWO HOURS to get from Koh Phangan to Koh Samui (instead of the advertised 30 minutes).  Sooooo, I missed my flight and had to book a new one that morning because my other options were:

1. Pay $175 for a snowball’s-chance-in-hell standby ticket on one of the oversold, overpacked flights of the day (and then pay an ungodly sum THE NEXT DAY for a standard seat)
2. Pay a cancellation fee and a rebooking fee and a change fee and a hidden fee and the difference in price from the original ticket
3. Take a 13-16 hour ferry to Bangkok and then book a direct flight from Bangkok to Hong Kong
4. Teleport

$400 of unbudgeted-funds later, I had a direct flight to Hong Kong and a stupid smile on my face.  Was it the after-effects of my new friend, San Pedro?  You betcha.  Cuz it’s true what you’ve heard……. that cactus powder ginger juice makes your body EXPLODE WITH LOVE.  ‘$400 of emergency fund money?  Suuuuuure, take it.  It’s only money.  Thank you SO MUCH, customer service representative, for helping me and giving me all these great travel options; you’ve been SO wonderful and patient and kind and can I pay you with credit card?  Ohhhhh, perfect.  Thanks.’

Half a day later, I arrived in Hong Kong along with ‘an unseasonably cold streak’.  Translation: my jorts, tanks and light pullovers weren’t gonna cut it and I was freezing my nuts off.  Too bad I didn’t pack that ONE pair of Old Navy rockstar jeggings I bought for the trip…….and the only item I’ve misplaced so far is my warm, black jacket.

Hi. I’m wearing everything I own.  (picture taken before I bought $3 sweatpants and a $2 scarf)

Besides the cold weather cramping my style (just like those two Chinese ladies who flanked me on the plane & kept reaching over me, one with a big ugly BURN on her forearm one inch from my face), Hong Kong and Koh Phangan could not be more different.  It was like stepping into an alternate reality where up is down and wrong is right and NOTHING EVER CLOSES.

The streets, the restaurants, the megamalls, the subways – people are everywhere and everywhere is LOUD.  Lights, sounds, buzzes, beeps, pushing, bumping, singing, TV commercials blasting from storefronts and unsmiling throngs of people colliding under LED lights.  Fish balls on every corner, octopus on sticks, handheld waffle snacks stuffed with peanut butter, condensed milk, margarine, and sugar.

you better believe I ate THREE of these in five days

Why would I elect to jar my system & sensibilities so thoroughly by traveling from a Thailand slow motion, spiritual sanctuary straight to Hong Kong sensory overload?  That’s easy – my friends were here!  Callahan (Sarah Callahan- I’m incapable of calling you anything but your maiden name), her hubs Anderson, and their cute little toddler nugget, Thilo, were all in attendance in the Pearl of the Orient, ready to explore, wander semi-aimlessly, and SPLIT FOOD.  (Travel tip: come to HK with at least 3 people so you can try more food.)  You guys MADE my trip with your go-anywhere, do-anything, relaxed attitudes…….. but before we dive into the getting lost sightseeing portion of the program, let’s discuss my hostel.

Alright, so, full disclosure.  I was embarrassingly excited for my boutique Hong Kong hostel because it ties in with my BIGGEST OBSESSION IN LIFE.  My ONLY VICE………if you exclude alcohol and edibles and chocolate cake and composite meats and my newfound fondness for cactus medicine……. and most significant THIEF of my free time.  I, of course, am talking about internet mahjong, the tiled match game usually played by elderly Chinese women.

I once asked my friend Sara (who’s a lawyer) if my employer could fire me based on the amount of internet mahjong I play on my work computer before I go to bed.  Do they care?  Are they watching?  Will they give me a warning first and spell out exactly HOW much mahjong is TOO MUCH mahjong (because NOwhere in the 55-page HR orientation packet spells that out)?

I booked a sleeping pod in an eight-bed, female-only dormitory, and it only took me one hour to sideways-slip off the bunk bed ladder and Tarzan swing right into a Chinese girl’s sleeping pod privacy curtain.  (Her and her friend put their hands to their mouths and exclaimed in unison, ‘Oooooohhhhhh!  Berry slippery!’)

The hostel was everything I’d hoped it would be.  Hot shower, free shampoo, kitschy décor, comfy bed……I won’t let the fact that a territorial spider must have been hiding in my bed on night one deter my everlasting love for The Mahjong.  What’s a few small spider bites in the grand scheme of things?  Oh, did I say a few?  I meant upwards of 45.  (I switched beds for night two and thankfully, the spider did not ask to switch as well.)

don’t you follow me

One of us itchy, four of us energized, Cal, Anderson, toddler nugget and I HIT THE STREETS.  We cruised through most of the Mongkok Markets (the Ladies Market where I bought a $10 mini bag to replace my broken drawstring, the Temple Street Night Market where I bought $9 knockoff Ray-Bans to replace my broken sunglasses, the Goldfish Market where I did NOT buy a pet goldfish, and my all-time favorite – Sai Yeung Choi Street for street karaoke).

If you go to HK (I can’t emphasize this enough), you NEED to go to Sai Yeung Choi St on a Saturday or Sunday night.  Karaoke performers are lined up every 25 feet, some of them in costume, ALL of them singing their hearts out to Chinese classics, Michael Jackson, John Denver and everything in-between.  It’s deliciously entertaining.  You can watch from the sidelines or you can join a Chinese dance troupe and revel in celebrity status as they circle around you, copy your moves, and try to set you up with Nida’s nephew.

Rachel Wong (red hat) was all UP in my business and I loved every second of it

Cat Street & Antique Street (shopping), Peel Street & Staunton Street (eats & drinks), Lan Kwai Fong (nightlife), St. John’s Cathedral (the oldest Anglican church in the Far East & quite out of place), the Mid-Levels outdoor escalators in SoHo, beers in Central (my first beer in a month), more Adidas stores than Starbucks and every American chain known to man including Mrs. Fields Cookies (didn’t that shut down??).

Make sure to visit Man Mo Temple so you can bang the gong 3x, ding the bell 3x, say your full name & birth year, and make a wish………..try to catch the nightly ‘Symphony of Lights’ in Victoria Harbor (the world’s largest permanent light & sound show)………..go to the traveling circus (if it’s still there)…………hit up the Ritz Carlton’s 118^th floor Ozone Bar (the world’s highest bar & most expensive cocktail list- am I on a budget?  I don’t know.) ………go to the Happy Valley Racecourse on a Wednesday night to place a quinella bet……….and hike to Victoria Peak (but DO NOT HIKE IT right after eating an extra-large eggette gelato & custard parfait as it’s straight uphill and you’ll have trouble breathing).

Speaking of eating enough for a family of four, eating when I wasn’t hungry, and eating dessert before, after, and during every meal……… I gained 6lbs in 5 days (as evidenced by the mahjong-themed bathroom scale).  Was it worth it?  Yes, it was (as evidenced by the triumphant return of my muffin top).

Let’s see……. you have the Battle of the Fun-Shaped Dim Sum with SpongeBob truffle mushroom and Garfield steamed egg yolk buns vs BBQ pork piggy and bird-in-a-cage pineapple buns.  Then you’ve got your classic Dessert War with macaron ice cream sandwiches, custard-filled churro things, Japanese shaved ice, coconut juice & evaporated milk w/boba pearls, caramel popcorn lattes and the previously-mentioned street waffles & eggette parfaits.  Finally, your Late-Night Snack Attack with spicy curried fish balls, chicken legs thighs & cartilage, fried veggies, and this PORK FLOSS WITH SESAME waffle thing that I had to try because once I imagined FLOSSING WITH PORK, I couldn’t focus on anything else.

Verdict?  Not porky enough.

Picture Show:

prom pic at victoria peak- love you guys  🙂

new dance troupe don’t worry about it

fun at the track!  new friends erin and jack!

am I pretend-bungee jumping?  I don’t know, it looks so real.

almost too cute to eat.  (pineapple buns at Yum Cha)

bbq piggy and a (slightly anxious) hot custard bun at Yum Cha

basketball-sized hazelnut chocolate oreo shaved ice at Shari Shari Kakigori

$30 gin & tonic with tip.  at least it came with free truffle popcorn??

ho lee fook (actual translation from cantonese: ‘good fortune for your mouth’)

from now on, all my food shall have googly eyes.  (Dim Sum Icon)

THE PEAK (Victoria Peak after almost dying from clogged arteries on the way up)

THE CULPRIT (eggette gelato custard parfait)

Second country on the world tour……… and second country I’m leaving with unanswered questions.

Sure, I tried the spicy curried fish balls, but there were SO MANY OTHER FLAVORFUL BALLS AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THEY ALL TASTED LIKE.  Fish balls, shrimp balls, squid balls, lobster balls, beef balls, balls of different colors, balls in different spices, balls with different dipping sauces.  EVERYWHERE WE WENT someone was holding some sort of ball trio on a stick.  WHAT is it and WHERE can I get it and WHY doesn’t someone offer a comprehensive, city-wide ball tour?  I would sign up twice.

What was the unanswered question from Thailand?  Well since you asked, I still very much don’t understand how to ‘squeeze my pelvic floor’.  Can someone please explain that to me?  What the heck is a pelvic floor?  Am I CLOSING it up or am I PUSHING it up?  I heard it five times in an Orgasmic Reflex class, but I was too busy wondering what I was doing wrong in the warm-up as the girl across from me was having back-to-back orgasms.

I googled it and now I’m even more confused.