Zurich & Gunten, Switzerland

Two words: CULTURE SHOCK.

no, CULTURE shock.  but i love the energy.

After living in Southeast Asia for four months, flying directly to Switzerland was jarring.  Why am I not melting?  Why are the trains on time?  Why are there toilets; why can I flush toilet paper; and WHY DO I HAVE PERSONAL SPACE IT’S FREAKING ME OUT?

I got so used to bottled water, one-inch thick mattresses, and tuk tuks with no side mirrors honking and love-tapping their way through traffic like Helen Keller on LSD.  I miss the days when everything cost a dollar.  When arranged marriage had a hotline, empty fields were advertised as ‘open air gyms’, and train cars were sprayed with the bubble letter graffiti tag ‘DIABETES SPECTACULAR’.  (Is that a musical?  I need to see it.)

This whole ‘driving the speed limit’ and ‘drinking from any water fountain in town’ was just too weird.  I mean, come on, it’s been two weeks and I’ve received ZERO selfie requests from Swiss strangers.  Do they think I’m woefully underdressed or are they embarrassed to be seen with me?  Either way, these sweatpants are all that fits me right now as I’ve entered the land of chocolate and cheese.

is cheese a carb?  #diabetesspectacular

Some people flock to Switzerland for the expensive watches, the handcrafted cow bells, and the army knives that can do everything but marry your sister.  Others think it’s neat to walk around the birthplace of Velcro, absinthe, and Helvetica font.  I’ve always been a big fan of Helvetica (and Gill Sans MT), but I flew to Switzerland primarily for: fresh air, mountain views, chocolate, cheese and who am I kidding chocolate and cheese.

save me from myself

Zurich was up first, and my objective was clear: drink aperol prosecco spritzes while lounging on my cousins’ couch and streaming ANY MOVIE EVER MADE.  And, you know……… explore Zurich if there was time.

My cousins, Jen & Jens, were the best hosts.  Like, way too good to me.  They showed me the lay of the land, pointed out the city’s hot spots, and hooked me up with a private room, queen bed, and all the flammkuchen & soda-streamed water I could handle.  Jen even took me to Thermalbad – a thermal bath & spa (built in a former brewery) with an 8-stage spa progression package that ended with a rooftop infinity tub.  Are you kidding me?

Easily one of the most luxurious things I’ve ever done, Thermalbad’s Irish-Roman Spa package was the answer to my stinky international travel body.  Saunas, steam rooms, peeling stations with these gritty body scrubs, and multiple hot spring pools (with various degrees of heat) designed to warm, then boil, then ROAST, then cool down, then reheat your ailing body……… so that you could reemerge triumphantly as a Christmas ham new woman.

After that fairy-tale pampering session, there was no stopping me.  I Pretty Woman‘ed myself all over town.  Oh, my $8 Target watch broke?!  I should get a new Swatch!  Oh, I’m in desperate need of a plain white tee?!  I should get TWO plain white tees!  Oh, there’s a café around the corner that specializes in tea service and fondant-wrapped cake?!  Screw tea, I should get TWO slices of that adorable cake!

Soooooo, my love handles are back.  Thanks, Zurich.  And thanks for the churches (Fraumunster’s stained glass, Grossmunster’s twin towers, and St. Peter’s largest clock face in Europe!), the hip social scene at Frau Gerold’s Garten (where colorful freight containers meet craft beer & grilled sausage in an urban garden oasis) and for family.  Thank you, Jen & Jens, for letting me couch potato all over your house (and back patio) and thank you Ana (my 14-year-old second cousin) for keeping up the charade that I knew what you were talking about.

when you started in on the history of Bulgarian military conflicts…… i realized i didn’t know where Bulgaria was on the map made a wish to someday be as smart as you.  it won’t happen, but a girl can dream…… love you!  good luck in softball!  can’t wait for our next ladies’ night out!

Four days in Zurich went by in a blink.  Two trains and one bus later, I arrived in Gunten with zero expectations and crumbs on my shirt.  Back to the beloved bartering system, I arranged a two-week work exchange for free lodging and three square meals a day in the most picturesque part of Switzerland.  ON Lake Thun, nestled in the Swiss Alps, I signed up to pull weeds on the ‘steepest slope transformed into a vineyard’.

i feel the need.  the need to weed.

My hosts, Marc & Coco, offered me a glass of red wine immediately upon arrival……… and it only got better from there.  Big family dinners each night and a house alive with a full cast of characters.  Mizu (a 100-year-old Bernese mountain dog whose perma-wheeze sounded like a docking cruise ship), Pepper & Dasher (two cuddly Yorkies that slept on your chest if given the chance), Mara (the outdoor FAT cat who wanted to be fed YESTERDAY), Twix & Pachouli (two hamsters with ADHD), two hens that loved dandelions, a bunch ‘a goats, and people too!

Coco and her 21 & 12-year-old daughters were hilarious and witty and excellent company over lamb meatballs or giant sausages or duck breast with russet potatoes.  We’d trade funny YouTube clips as Marc (the sweetest, most soft-spoken string bean in Switzerland) would explain the history of the Côtés de Thoune Vineyard and what it meant to abide by biodynamic agricultural principles (no pesticides, no herbicides, no chemicals of any kind).

is this real life?

The schedule was simple; there wasn’t one.  I had to work in the fields until my lower back turned into Jennifer Lopez and said, ‘enough’.  That usually meant about three hours a day in a wide-leg, 3-point football stance on my tiptoes.  Holding wooden stakes for leverage.  Unable to get a good foot hold.  In constant threat of backward somersaulting down the slope.

Marc DID warn me several times that it would be ‘hard work’ and ‘are you sure you can handle it’, and my response was always the same, ‘yeah yeah, steep slope, got it, I’ll be fine!’

narrator: she was not fine

Three hours a day of grunts, giggles, WHOOPSIE daisies and wipeouts, I gave the neighbors a good show.  Dodging thorns and brambles, slipping on wet leaves, falling in holes, and getting STABBED by Thumbelina-sized weed knives called stinging nettles.  One of the soles of Marc’s old wedding shoes even fell off as I was working!  Just twisted right off ‘cuz of all the awkward foot holds……… as I didn’t want to repeat my day one ‘let’s try to kneel and rest my arm right here for a second and HOLY SHIT I’M COVERED IN FIRE ANTS’ situation.

no one come near me i think i’m contagious

In the grand scheme of things, WEEDING doesn’t sound like a great idea (because, say it with me now, Weeding! Isn’t! Fun!) but when you’re weeding alongside a breathtaking backdrop and listening to David Bowie’s ‘Magic Dance’……… the days go by surprisingly fast!  Plus, you have time to think deep thoughts like:

• What is life?
• Why is it so good to me?
• Is that a tick?
• IS THAT A F*CKING TICK?
• Will I have to suffocate it with a pad of butter?  I don’t know if I can waste that much butter.
• When you’re getting a manicure……… where are you supposed to look?  If I stare at my hands, will she think I’m second guessing her?  I don’t want to be rude.
• Can you IMAGINE how good harmonica players are at eating corn on the cob?
• If I manage to shave off the mole on my shin every time I shave my legs…… how does Enrique Iglesias still have a mole on his cheek?
• Building your own pizza always seems like such a great idea until the bill comes.  Sorry kids, Mommy can’t send you to college because Mommy spent $68 on extra calabrese sausage.
• If I had a restaurant, I’d name one of the sandwiches, ‘The Usual, Tommy’.
• For my next job interview, I’m going to break protocol and say what I’m actually thinking.  When they ask me ‘what keeps you up at night?’……… as they always do……… I’m going to say ‘adult strollers’.
• Where’d Carrot Top go?  And why is he so muscular?
• I fear I might be the slowest weeder on the planet, but these fields look GREAT.
• Why do people always say ‘you have your work cut out for you’ like it’s a bad thing?  I WISH I had my work cut out for me ‘cuz this field’s an effing JUNGLE and a little pre-weeding jungle machete action would have been much appreciated.
• I have yet to see a white belt make an outfit cuter.
• Are these posts too long?  Blink twice if you’re still reading.

In conclusion, I had a lovely time in Gunten.  Staying with Marc & Coco was like staying with family friends as a guest of honor.  They were the BEST.  Just wonderful people.  And I even got to explore nearby towns on the weekends!  I got lost in a mirror maze in Lucerne’s Gletschergarten; I hiked through the valley of 72 waterfalls in Lauterbrunnen; I bought an earth-shattering pulled pork bagel sammie at Mani’s in Thun (and had to climb a castle to waste time ‘til I got hungry again and could buy the round two bagel & lox).  Oh, and I did some serious WORK in chocolate truffle shops.

Like last Saturday at Interlaken’s Funky Chocolate Club when the guy waiting on me was an early thirties, former rower from New Zealand…….. you better believe I sampled every single one of his specialty truffles so I wouldn’t have to leave the shop.  After a buy ten get two free deal, I hope he thought it was sexy when I couldn’t breathe and had to hold the checkout counter for support.  Let’s call it ‘flirting with panache ganache’……

‘are you tired, girl?  ‘cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day.’

‘are you tired, girl?  ‘cuz you just ate 12 truffles and I can see you’re starting to sweat.’

Ta ta for now and HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!  Enjoy the much-needed holiday break!

Unfortunately, you can’t enjoy the day off with a tall glass of Côtés de Thoune Nebbiolo or Moscato as this is only year FOUR of the vineyard, and therefore the very first harvest year.  IF you want to sample the (no doubt impressively-complex and well balanced) Côtés de Thoune varieties, you’ll have to fly to Gunten next year as Marc only plans to sell locally.

If you need me, I’ll be in Northern Italy celebrating national wine day in style…… ciao!

the most ridiculous office view

heaven on earth

and so was lauterbrunnen (the valley of 72 waterfalls & staring contests)

and same with interlaken (pre-ganache)

that’s the Thun Castle (pre & post bagel sammie)

the alleyways in Zurich were everything

the nipples were good but not my favorite

it was an uphill battle. (i wish i had my work cut out for me.)

thankfully, weeding shoes were the only casualty

weeding hair, don’t care

bonus shot from lauterbrunnen

seeing this man carrying four bratwurst put me in a good mood for HOURS

when i wasn’t already entertaining myself in mirror mazes

xoxo, happy holidays